Transitions (and the Lifequakes that precede them)

What do you think of when you hear the word Transition? You may think of the beautiful change in seasons in nature - like the leaves changing colour in autumn (as I have recently experienced in Eastern Canada), or the melting of snow and new growth in Spring.

Or maybe you think of transitions in life? Transitioning from one job or career to another, moving from one house or city to another. The end of one chapter and the start of a new one. The end of a transition is new, bright and exciting, but what about the start, and the middle? The start can feel like a twinge, the sensation that a change is on the horizon. The middle is usually tough, uncomfortable, and sometimes we don’t even know that we’re in transition until we make it to the other side.

I came across the Ted Talks Daily podcast by Bruce Feiler titled The Secret to Mastering Life’s Biggest Transitions, when I myself was starting to embark on what I thought was my own major transition: an international move to Canada from Kenya after living abroad for almost 10 years. I thought: Yes! I need to learn how to master this transition. Although Feiler does talk about how to manage transitions at the end of the podcast, I got caught up with his discovery of what he and his team calls “Lifequakes”.

A lifequake, a massive burst of change that leads to a period of upheaval, transition and renewal.

Feiler’s research - The Life Story Project - had him collect hundreds of stories (NB: in the USA specifically) and documented all the ways that our lives get redirected - he calls them disruptors.

The average person goes through three dozen disruptors in the course of their lives. That's one every 12 to 18 months. Most of these we get through with relative ease, but one in 10 becomes what I call a lifequake, a massive burst of change that leads to a period of upheaval, transition and renewal. The average person goes through three to five of these events in the course of their lives, their average length being five years. Do the math, and that means we spend 25 years, half our adult lives, in transition.

B.Feiler, TEDxIEMadrid

A lifequake has us look at our lives in a different light - and lifequakes can be personal and/or professional: a breakup, feeling unfulfilled/underappreciated in our job, having a baby, getting fired/laid off, the death of a loved one, reaching the top of the career ladder, or not being able to reach the top of the ladder. Lifequakes can also occur in a time of global uncertainty, like a pandemic - I’m talking about you COVID-19!

We spend 25 years, half our adult lives, in transition

The theory that we are in transition for 25 years was pretty shocking to me. Transitions are uncomfortable, and 25 years is a long time to be uncomfortable. But, what happens when we come through a transition? We are thriving, we are renewed, we’re excited, energized, and that also means we have half our adult lives to be vibrant. It’s a good thing.

So,if we’re going to be in transition for half of our adult lives, we better learn how to navigate this time of change and upheaval. One option is to try to ignore it, or let it pass us by, but that rarely works or simply delays the inevitable change (like staying in that job you are greatly unhappy in hoping it will get better!).

The better option is to move with it, and embrace the change and transition. Feiler and his colleagues have come up with a list of tools for how to manage a transition - take a look, and have a listen to the podcast for yourself to hear more - links to where you listen can be found below.

Tip 1: Being with your transition superpower

Life transitions have 3 phases - find what you are most comfortable with and start there.

1. The long goodbye - when you mourn the past that isn’t coming back,

2. The messy middle - when you shed certain habits and create new ones, and

3. The new beginning - where you unveil your new self.

I found the messy middle was the easiest for me. I could Gantt chart my way through what was needed when leaving Kenya and what was needed when we arrived in Canada. But I REALLY struggled with the long goodbye. I still miss my friends who are like family in Nairobi, but I had to keep moving so the focus was the tasks that I could control. The new beginning is a bit murkier for me. We’ll see where I end up in a few months :)

Tip 2: Accept that it’s an emotional experience.

Transitions are scary, sad, and maybe even shameful (the I’m not good enough feeling). They can also be joyful, and loving. Try to embrace these emotions, lean into them, acknowledge them, and talk about them or write them down.

I remember feeling angry and grumpy, relatively early in our move planning, and I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Then, all of the sudden, I started to cry. A big ugly cry. In the middle of a Nairobi Shopping center. Only then did I really acknowledge and accept my sadness. I was sad to be leaving the wonderful nanny our kids have known their whole life. Once I accepted that, and had a good cry with her, it got a bit easier.

Tip 3: Try something new

Feiler says people do 2 things during our time of transition - we shed things, casting parts of our personality aside so that we can make space for new; and, we undergo astonishing acts of creativity.

Writing this, I’m realizing I shed part of me that was crafty, and resourceful. Finding work-arounds for everyday items that either weren’t available or were too expensive in Kenya. I’m also realizing that I haven’t given myself the time or space to undergo those astonishing acts of creativity. But writing this has inspired me to find something creative and work through this new beginning.

Although not new to me, the Yoga with Adriene YouTube channel is an ongoing source of support for me. She even has a Yoga for Transitions which was so helpful during the times of uncertainty. I highly recommend it!

The simple act of imagining that loaf of bread, or a poem, or a painting allows us to imagine we can create a new self

Tip 4: Seek support from others

“The most painful part of a life transition is that you feel isolated or alone.”

One way to combat that loneliness is to share your experience and feelings with others - A friend, loved one, even a stranger, or a coach.

This is where a coach can be really helpful. It’s hard to make all the decisions that need to be made. Am I making the right choice? What do I really want? A coach can be a great resource for non-biased support in helping you look inside yourself for the answers.

Tip 5: Rewrite your life story

Your transition may take you in a direction you never thought you would go, or never thought you wanted. Transition signifies the end of a chapter and the starting of a new one “It's … an autobiographical occasion in which we are called on to revisit, rewrite and retell our life story, adding a new chapter for what we learned during the lifequake.”

I haven’t done this yet, not on paper at least. But in this moment, this move to Canada doesn’t feel like a lifequake in itself, rather the new beginning from my most recent transition. The last five years have seen the end of a job, the birth of my second born, COVID-19, a lot of what-do-I-want-to-do-with-my-life, the start of my coaching business, and now setting up life in a “new” country. I feel more confident than I have in a long time, and I feel the growth and renewal that comes from a transition.

No matter how bleak your story gets, you cannot give up on the happy ending. You control the story you tell about yourself, even the most painful parts of yourself. And that's why it's so critical that we re-imagine life transitions, that we see them not as a miserable times we have to grit and grind our way through, but we see them for what they are. Healing times that take the wounded parts of our lives and begin to repair them.

B.Feiler, TEDxIEMadrid

If you feel like you’re stuck, you’re not alone. You may be at the start of your own transition, and that’s where I can help. Check out my website, and Schedule your free discovery call to learn more about my coaching services and how I work with my clients to manage these major life transitions. Transition is hard. Change is hard. But transition and change bring growth. Transition looks different for everyone, it’s like a choose your own adventure - which path will you choose? (Hint: You always have a choice even when you may not feel like it.)

Thanks for reading,

Amy

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Interested in hearing Bruce Feiler’s Ted Talk? Listen wherever you listen to Podcasts:

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Feiler’s book is Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age Hardcover – July 14 2020